


a million little times

by WhoYouCallinMaam



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27327031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoYouCallinMaam/pseuds/WhoYouCallinMaam
Summary: a collection of darvey inspired one-shots/ficlets. spans the entire series but most are centered around season seven. rated T for language.
Relationships: Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	1. between the lines

**between the lines**

_leave unsaid unspoken_   
_eyes wide shut unopened_   
_you and me, always between the lines_

"Good, you're still here. Have you seen Louis, because I have some news and I-"

_She can see it all so clearly. Walking up to him, cutting him off as she seals her mouth over his, her hand gliding over his shoulders before raking into his hair. His shocking melting into a soft sigh that sounds a lot like_ **finally** _as his lips start to slowly move with hers, his body following hers as she -_

"Donna!" Her whole body jolts into reality, shaking her head animatedly to clear her thoughts. 

**And then she's** **moving.**

Moving from her perch on the window's ledge to her desk, gathering her things and shoving them haphazardly in her bag. "Harvey, I need to go." and while her movements are frantic, her voice is flat, robotic almost. 

"You - what? Did you hear a goddamn thing I just said?" he's staring at her lie she's absolutely lost her mind and, hell, maybe she has. "I need you right now."

That word stops her in her tracks. That word he uses _so_ often with her. **Need.** She's realizing she needs to, and her needs are not something he's willing, or able or _free_ to care about.

"I can't, Harvey. I can't be here. I can't do this. I need to leave."

"Donna. What is going on? Are you...are you sick? Is someone hurt?" He keeps throwing out questions, each one met with a sharp shake of her head. "Why are you rushing around like the building's on fire and why won't you look at me?" he steps in and grabs her arms, effectively stopping her in place with a firm tone belying the gentle hold he has on her. 

There's a spark and she knows he feels it; sees it in the way he winces with a sharp inhale he tries to cover. 

"Harvey." and fanfuckingtastic, she can feel the tears building despite the rest of her feeling completely numb. "God, please, for once in your goddamn life, I need you to understand without me explaining things to you." She's stepping away again, leaving him standing in the middle of the room, his arms dangling uselessly at his side like he doesn't know what to do with his hands without her in them. 

He looks so lost, but she can see a little bit of understanding mixing with the confusion on his face as she starts pulling her things from her desk and throwing them into the handbag he grumbled was _"way too goddamn big"_ when he gave it to her for their last work anniversary.

He watches her move, the panic rising in him. "Did I do something wrong?"

She meets his eyes swimming with hurt and gives him the most heartbreakingly resigned look. 

"No, Harvey, you didn't. But I almost did. And it would've ruined us. So I **need** to go. I need _you_ to let me go."

"Donna, I don't understand what's happening here." 

"Harvey." she sighs. "Do you love Paula?" and she's not sure why she's asking, she doesn't really want to know. And, for as much as she knows him, she doesn't know that answer to her own question and that terrifies her even more.

"I - what?! What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"It has _everything_ to do with everything, Harvey. Do you know I almost kissed you tonight? Your goddamn puppy was preaching about speaking up before I lose my chance and Louis was waxing poetic about losing soulmates and I could feel you, **us** , slipping through my fingers. And then you walked in and I thought if I just walked up to you and kissed you, put it all out there, you know? Then at least I'd know. I'd know for sure how I felt. I'd know all the years of waiting and failed relationships were worth it."

"Donna, I -"

"But you would've hated me. You would've hated that I made you the one thing you never wanted to be. And I would've hated myself for it. But I still wanted to. I've wanted to every **goddamn** day for the last thirteen years and, _I love you, Harvey_ , but I **cannot** do this to myself anymore."

He's fairly certain he stopped breathing about the time she referred to them as an 'us'. Confusion and fear and hope all swirling in his chest, but it's frustration that makes it's presence first known.

"So you're just going to leave."

"I'm not _just_ anything, Harvey. The decision may be sudden, but the feelings are not. I love you, you love Paula and I want you to be happy. I want you to be _so fucking happy_ and, for a long time, I thought that happiness could be with me. I thought all of the _'I love yous'_ and _'it bothers me'_ followed by _'that doesn't mean'_ meant you just weren't ready and you needed me to wait, but I was reading between lines thatt weren't there. You were telling me to **let go** and I was hearing _'hang on'_. And now you have Paula."

"Donna." he breathes out. 

"Please let me finish or I'll never get this out. I see how hard you're trying with her and I see how _much_ you want it to work and I don't want to get in the way of that. She's your person now."

" **You're** my person." he insists. Desperation coating every syllable. 

"Harvey." 

"You have **always** been my person. You don't get to rewrite things to try to make a clean break, because that's never going to happen with us, Donna. We've been in each other's lives for too long."

"Harvey, our lines have been perfectly clear for a long time." she pushes back.

"Yeah, because **you** fucking drew them! You'd don't get to just leave when shit gets hard."

"That's really easy to say when it's not **your** heart getting ripped out of your chest!" 

He visibly flinches, like the sheer thought of hurting her causes him physical pain.

"Do you think I _want_ to leave?! Do you think I want to have to give up my title, the firm... _us?_ I don't. I hate this, but I don't see anther way, Harvey. I will _not_ ruin this for you and have you resent me for it." 

"Donna, I could never -"

"You never answered my question, you know?" Do you love her?"

He stares her down, challenging her to give up; chalk this up to one of their moments to be filed with all the others they don't talk about and move on. But she doesn't budge and he relents. 

"I - no." he sighs. Looking frustrated and relieved all at the same time. "I think I wanted to. I think she was an easy out, someone to project my feelings onto without risking anything. It sounds...awful when I say it out loud, and it's not fair to either of you, but I think I wanted to love her because then I didn't have to acknowledge how I felt about you. And if I didn't acknowledge it, then I didn't have to risk it."

"And how do you feel about me?" She asks quietly, but she's unrelenting in her push for answers. Her expression unreadable. 

"Donna. Why do we have to-"

"You know what, Harvey? Never mind. I know how this goes. You say _just enough_ to drag me along but never enough to really say anything. You have no problem talking about your feelings when it comes to Scottie or Zoe or Paula, but with me-"

"Because it's **YOU** , Donna. You're _you_. I mean, jesus christ, in what world would I deserve you?! You're smart and intuitive and gorgeous and caring and so _goddamn_ warm you feel more like home than my condo ever will. You're fucking _breathtaking_ in everything you do and you stand by my side and push me and support me no matter how many times I fuck up. I never understood why you stuck around to begin with, why would I **ever** think you'd want more than this?!"

"Harvey." Her eyes wide and glassy, astonishment clearly written on her face. "I told you I wanted more. And maybe I couldn't put into words what that meant, but I have always wanted you, Harvey. And no matter what I had decided more meant in that moment, it was never going to fill the void in my heart. And, to be fair, the second I said I wanted more, you were half way to Paula's house.”

“Donna – look. I don’t have an excuse for that. I panicked. I was scared.”

“Of what ‘more’ meant. That ‘more’ meant _**us**_ and us meant taking the biggest risk because, _god_ , I _**cannot**_ lose you. And I know I’ve held you at arm’s length, but it’s because if I give in to what I _really_ want, I’m going to fuck this up and lose you for good and that will **end** me.”

“Harvey.” she breathes, eyes glittering with tears. But as she goes to say more, he stops her.

“Before this goes any further, there’s something I need to do. But, Donna -” He closes the distance between them, capturing both of her hands between his. “I need you to _promise_ me that you will **not** leave. Because, I swear to god, if you do, I will search every goddamn corner of Manhattan for you, got it?”

“The dramatic scene once you found me might make that worth chancing.” she jokes, reminding him that they’re still _them._

“Donna.” And there’s something about the way he rolls his eyes to hide his amused smirk that gives her confidence that they’re going to be okay. Still, he must see the lingering shock and hesitation on her face because he brings her hands up to his lips.

“I’m scared shitless. You’re everything to me and I don’t want to fuck this up, but I have _**never**_ been more sure of anything – _anyone –_ in my life. I’m am ready to **in** this...are you?”

She nods gently, leaning into the warm palm that sweetly brushes a stray tear from her cheek. “I am, Harvey. I’m in.”

The temptation to lean into her is just too strong, so he pulls her hands into his chest, their foreheads gently bumping together.

Knowing he needs to end things with Paula before this can go any further, he shifts, laying a kiss to her temple with a whispered, _“I’ll be back soon.”_

She nods again, squeezing his hands as he steps back, his cautiously optimistic eyes making contact with her own; a slow, steady smile stretching across her face.

“ _I’ll be here.”_

_**-fin-** _


	2. you put me on (and said i was your favorite)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alternate version of the 2.14 elevator scene.

**you put me on (and said i was your favorite)**

_I knew you'd linger like a tattoo-kiss  
I knew you'd haunt all of my what ifs  
-  
I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired  
And you'd be standin' in my front porch light_

“Look at you, you’re beautiful.”

Her face immediately warms, not used to such praise from him. It shoots an unexpected thrill down her spine, catering to a need she didn’t know she had. She’s thankful for the hair curtaining her face as she tries to school her features; lord knows the shit he would give her if he knew he had the power to make the might Donna Paulsen blush. She looks up, eyes wide, pleased surprise coloring her face despite her best efforts at nonchalance.

“...you have a date?”

It’s like a bucket of ice water dumped on her head when she realizes he’s not speaking to her. She can feel the tightness in her face, the hot heat of embarrassment from her misunderstanding and something that feels a lot like disappointment racing through her.

She feels herself staring at him, the smile lines around his eyes no longer having anything to do with her, so she blinks heavily twice, turning her attention to Jessica as she and Harvey talk about her date.

His gaze weighs heavy on her; confused worry lines mixing with the happy wrinkles around his eyes.

Once the elevators close behind Jessica, she attempts to make a quick exit.

“Goodnight, Harvey.” she rushes out, giving him a weak smile as she reaches for the call button, but he stops her by gently encircling her wrist in his large hand.

“Wait. You weren’t done telling me your story.” The grin on his face is imploring, but it’s masking something else – concern, maybe? She forgets sometimes that he can read her _almost_ as well as she can read him.

“Oh, I was pretty much done.” she brushes off with a wave of the hand he’s not currently holding. “Slapped Hardman. Twice. The end.” She’s doing her best not to be short with him, after all, he didn’t do anything wrong. But these somewhat unfamiliar feelings make her want to be anywhere but here. She can’t sort through the thoughts in her head with him staring at her.

“Yeah, but...” he starts, trying to figure out what to say next as his eyes search hers. He’s trying to understand why she’s so cagey all of a sudden, although he saw the way her eyes flashed in surprise when he called Jessica beautiful…

”Donna, did I upset you somehow?”

“What? Harvey, no, you know I’d tell you if you pissed me off. It’s just been a long day and I want to go home.”

“Okay,” he says slowly. “, then why won’t you look me in the eye?” he asks, once again ducking to meet her gaze that she finally flits annoyingly towards him.

“Is it what I said to Jessica?”

“Harvey, drop it.”

“I’m **not** dropping it. You’re upset, what did I do?”

“You didn’t **DO** anything, Harvey, just leave it alone.”

“Do you think I’m like, _into_ her? I mean, I don’t know why that would matter to you, but I don’t know what else -”

“I thought you were talking to me!” she blurts out, stunning them both into silence.

“Wh- I...what?” he eventually stumbles out. Eyes wide in shock and something else she’s too afraid to identify and she marvels at how he can see so much and nothing at all at the same time.

“Harvey,” she huffs. “You were talking to me and you said...and it just caught me off guard. The fact that I thought you’d ever say that to _me_ is just proof that I’m exhausted. You didn’t upset me, okay? I’m just tired and embarrassed and I really want to go home.”

“Donna.” And she knows he’s going to stay _**something.**_ Something just sweet enough to placate her, but not enough to give her what she truly wants – a want she’s still struggling to come to terms with.

“Come on, you know you’re a stunner.” he says as he forces on his flirty, easy going grin, as if she doesn’t know him well enough to see the apprehension behind it.

“Harvey, don’t.” she rolls her eyes as she shakes her arm free, unable to stand being pitied. “I told you, forget it. I don’t need your fake platitudes.”

“Hey, hold on. I’m sorry.” he insists, hand reaching out for her again, rubbing his thumb gently along the inside of her wrist.

“You don’t need to apologize, Harvey. Now, I’d like to go home and drown my embarrassment in a tall glass of wine, so if you don’t mind...”

“You’re gorgeous, Donna.” and that stops her in her tracks. “You know that and I know that. And, let’s be honest, _you know_ that I know that. But I’m you’re boss and you have rules so I just -”

“Harvey,” she sighs, eyes anywhere but his.

“Just because I can’t – don’t – say it, doesn’t mean I don’t think it.” he confesses quietly.

She blushes. It’s not like she’s never been complimented before; her striking looks and bold personality have caused many a man to swoon, but he’s different. _**They’re**_ different.

“I – what does that even mean, Harvey?”

“I don’t know, Donna. Does it have to-” he’s searching for the words and she’s rolling her eyes. They’ve played this game before where they see how close they can get to the edge of _something_ without one or both of them falling. She’s pretty sure she’s losing. “- _can_ it mean something?”

Her eyes shoot to his, not expecting that question. He looks conflicted, and it suddenly feels like all the air has gone out of the room.

“Do you _want_ it to mean something?” she breathes.

“I’m not the one with the rule, Donna.”

“So you’re saying, after _the other time_ , if you’d asked me to work with you and I had said I wanted a relationship, you would’ve wanted _**both**_ _?”_

“I don’t know, Donna. I can’t tell you what I would’ve done then. I was young and stupid and too damn focused on my career and I was probably freaking out because you meant more to me; more than I expected or dared to even give real thought to.”

“Harvey, you said if you had known about the job you would’ve never come over. That doesn’t exactly scream ‘ _I have feelings for you’_.”

“I was an asshole, okay? We both know that. Hell, I’m probably still an asshole. But I knew I didn’t want to lose you so I did what I thought was the best way to keep you close to me because having you as a secretary was better than not having you at all. But _**you**_ drew the line in the sand without really giving me a choice of what side I wanted to be on. So now I’m asking you if that rule is worth breaking.”

“Harvey...I don’t know.” and it’s the flash of hurt across his face that rushes her to clarify. “No, Harvey. I mean, I _know_. I think I’ve always known how I feel about you. I just...what if this doesn’t work?”

“When has anything with your name attached to it ever been anything but wildly successful?” he teases.

“Oh, it’s not my name I’m worried about.” she volleys back with a soft smirk. “This is just all very sudden and out of the blue. I know how I feel, how I’ve _felt_ , no matter how buried it was, but you’ve never given any indication since the other time that you’ve ever thought of me that way. What if -”

“I’m not going to change my mind, Donna. I swear. Maybe I didn’t let anything on to you, and you may know me better than anyone, but you don’t know _everything,_ Paulsen.” and he’s getting closer still, hands traveling slowly from her wrist, up her arms, before settling at her waist.

“I was scared. I _**am**_ scared. You are – you _always_ have been – the best thing to ever happen to me; as a lawyer, a friend...as a man. And I don’t want to mess this up, but I don’t want to waste anymore time, either.”

Her eyes are glistening with tears and hope and something that feels a lot like _finally_ and _forever._ Her hands rest on his arms that tug her ever closer to him.

“So whatdya say, Donna Paulsen? Will you break your rule with me right here, right now?”

She nods, a beaming smile taking over her face even as a tear rolls down her cheek. “Yes, Harvey. Yes.” And as he leans forward to capture her lips with his own, a feeling of _home_ and _finally_ colliding together, they both know that some rules are meant to be broken.

_**-fin-** _


End file.
